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January 26, 2012

So far 2012 has been turbulent and kind.  It has stirred me up JUST enough to hit that sweet spot where I am challenged but not overwhelmed.  It’s nice to know that such a spot exists.

The classes I am taking all demand me to challenge what I think I know and to dig deeper.  This is probably my favorite thing about being a student. Asking these questions is all about awareness and stretching, which is what health and healing is all about too.  So I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions.  And just the act of asking is helping me take better care of myself.  Being aware of the questions and grappling with the questions is by FAR more important than having an answer to the questions.  In fact, what I am finding recently is that having an answer to the questions gets in the way of discovery and awareness, because once we are satisfied with an answer we stop asking.

I have been asking myself a lot about the maintenance year… was it really necessary, was I being honest with myself, and how to be simultaneously vigilant and kind towards myself.  I think the maintenance year served a purpose in my life, not just physically but also emotionally.  I must have needed that space, and in the void it created I lost momentum but gained an opportunity to recommit.  I think I needed to recommit.  This is all about caring for myself for the pure reason of caring for myself, and I think there are a lot of less healthy reasons for losing weight pounding at the dam.  Some water had leaked in and I had to take the time to seal the cracks.

And I’m glad now that I did that.  And I’m also done with that phase.  It no longer serves me to live so timidly.  I was gearing up for this new phase at the end of 2011, so when the New Year came it was almost a relief to have an excuse to recommit.  That’s part of how I know that my renewed motivation is intrinsic and genuine…. plus, it feels so damn good 😉

These days I’m finding that my workouts are a source of redemption.  There are so many tiny mistakes and missed swings throughout the day, especially these days when I am taking a lot of risks artistically, and so I am faced with shame and anger towards myself.  But when I work out, I know I am doing something right.  It’s simple.  It feels good, it gets me out of my head, & it’s good for me.  There’s compassion there and a sense of release.

It’s comforting, learning how taking care of myself can help me forgive.

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