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stop, in the name of (self) love

September 1, 2010

I have been so swept up by this gluten adventure that I haven’t written about why I stopped logging my workouts on DailyMile!  But I do want to explain why.  So, here is a list of pros and cons re: DailyMile:

PROS:

*It’s well organized.  A little graph of your workouts paints a picture of that otherwise abstract sense of what you have been doing lately on the exercise front.

*It’s fun, the way Facebook is fun.  You get to post stuff and comment on other people’s posts and send “motivation” … oh, those strangely satisfying cyber-interactions!

*In the short term, it made me excited to work out!   I looked forward to working out so that I could create a new post…

CONS (Well, just one):

*In the long run, logging my workouts made me want to work out less.

I started to feel like I HAD to work out because I had to answer to DailyMile!  (As though DailyMile cares!)  Anyway, this eventually sucked me dry of all of my intrinsic motivation or feelings of empowerment.  Then, of course, I started to rebel against it, sabatoging my own actual desire to work out because of my desire to not be controlled.  I am, as you can see throughout this blog, EXTRA SUPER sensitive to things that make me feel controlled.  So, in the end, DailyMile didn’t work for me.  I may try it again someday, because the pros were definitely worth something to me.

When I was a young child, I was told to write down everything I ate, and if I ate anything “bad” I was punished.  I’m not going to go into it too much, but needless to say this relates to my need to rebel against anything causing feelings of powerlessness when it comes to caring for my body.  My parents intentions were always good, but I am a sensitive person and this is such an intimate issue that these experiences left their mark.  I think writing down what you eat may be a very useful tool for adults who choose to do so, but it is not appropriate for children.  And, until I am able to work through the damage it did to me, I will not benefit from weight-loss methods in which I am “required” to report my behavior.

This is also why I am hesitant to see a nutritionist.  My dad has offered to pay for one for me, but I am very conflicted.  I do honestly think it would be a good idea, especially now that I am trying to create a balanced gluten-free lifestyle.  The problem is I would need to find a nutritionist in the bay area with a holistic view of things who would not make me write down what I eat*.  I’m not optimistic that this would be easy to find, and because of the stress associated with the issue, I have not searched for this person.  I still might, though.  It is on my radar.

(*If anyone knows a person like this, send their info my way!)

So, anyway, I have stopped logging on DailyMile.  I have stopped eating gluten.  I have also stopped taking the cortisol regulating supplement because it made me sleep like I was in a coma.  I even slept through my alarm one morning and missed the first 1/2 hour of work!  Not good.  (Luckily, I somehow still got the raise I asked for, wohoo!)

That’s what I have stopped.  I have started a few things too: eating beef (which I still have mixed feelings about) and going to the Farmers’ Market every weekend with Sam.  Ahhh, produce, how I love you!

❤ Diana Banana

image courtesy of http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://coryandhart.com/cute_love/downloads/wallpapers/hearts_wallpaper_stop-in-the-name-of-love_thumb.png&imgrefurl=http://coryandhart.com/cute_love/love_wallpaper/stop-in-the-name-of-love/&usg=__PkCy33fUrapLfSALgoHeyQ_L0p4=&h=281&w=500&sz=100&hl=en&start=27&sig2=4aRPSiQBbKp_4MgKiFZxPw&zoom=1&tbnid=r1yuDtQaZs2yhM:&tbnh=111&tbnw=198&ei=9cR-TOaqJ5CgsQO_ncmSCw&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dstop%2Bin%2Bthe%2Bname%2Bof%2Blove%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rlz%3D1R1GGIC_en___US357%26biw%3D1263%26bih%3D784%26tbs%3Disch:10%2C570&um=1&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=651&vpy=237&dur=213&hovh=111&hovw=198&tx=135&ty=105&oei=8MR-TMvXD4mesQPYg830Cg&esq=2&page=2&ndsp=27&ved=1t:429,r:4,s:27&biw=1263&bih=784

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Cynthia Farris Sprock permalink
    September 1, 2010 2:01 pm

    Diana, I completely understand your reluctance to be controlled. I never had a huge weight problem, but just like you, I resent being told what to eat/when. I gained a little weight when I turned 40 and did WeightWatchers for a few months with reasonable success. When I finally quit the program, however, I swore I would NEVER EVER EVER count points again because it made me want to rebel, too! Completely counter-productive. Now, I just look at each food choice throughout my day as an opportunity to eat healthy, nutritious food and make the right choice toward a happy, healthy body. I look at each choice – not the rest of my life. That way it is less likely to become a pattern of control. Good luck on this new path! I find your blog very inspiring.

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