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July 21, 2010

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.  – Groucho Marx

I have a tendency to make things complicated.  You may have noticed this 😉  Like most characteristics, this is a strength and a weekness, which is to say it can help and hinder my growth and progress.

I love that I have the ability to sift through the intricacies of things to find the roots, and I love being able to trace what I’m doing and understand the process.  On the other hand, I find it frustrating to always feel the need to do this.  Sometimes, I fantasize that taking care of my body would be easy if I could just turn off my mind!  To act without understanding or analysis, to just do what feels good… wouldn’t that be enough?

I don’t want to hold myself back any more!  I don’t need to.  I think my body is on board with this plan, but my mind is still dragging its feet.  Is this why I’m not getting what I want?

My friend Sasha had an interesting facebook status the other day, which said: “The hardest part of getting what you want is admitting that you want it.” I think she was implying that we make the choices that lead to the things we get, so even if you think you didn’t want something you actually did choose it.  This made me think about the whole question of getting what I want and NOT getting what I want, because Sasha’s idea implies that if I’m not getting what I want then that is actually what I want.  [Ah!  Talk about making things complicated!]

Lately I’ve been maintaining & not losing weight.  Why would I be choosing this when in my head I think I want to keep losing weight?  Well, actually, there are many reasons:

*I’m starting to feel like I have to lose weight for other people again rather than for myself

*I’m starting to get unwanted male attention & don’t have good boundary-setting skills in these situations (excess weight provides a substitute boundary!)

*I’m bored with the routine and find it constrictive

*Believing I have the power to reach my goals makes me fear I might explode!

I have self-protective desires to stop losing weight to avoid these things.  And I also have a desire to continue losing weight… but I have partly forgotten why!  It is time to re-discover the joyful things that helped me feel empowered and excited to transform my body in the first place, because I know that these things were my body’s deeper desires to thrive and not just my defensive desires.

The piece I’m working on now is allowing myself to feel like I deserve to know what I really want.  To give myself permission to have the desires I have and, in turn, to be more conscious of the way I am steering the outcome.

Right at this moment, I desperately desire to come back down from my brain, to reunite with my body.  And that brings up fears and more defensive desires but hey, that’s just my brain chattering anyway.  My body is ready.

❤ Diana Banana

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