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come here, I’ll tell you a secret…

July 12, 2010

Wanna know a secret?  OK, here goes:

I don’t have it all together, I just write neatly.

It’s funny for me to read my own blog, knowing my life as I do.  Wow, I always think, if I was anyone else I’d think ‘this girl has it all together!‘ And then I flip out a little… because I don’t have it all together.  Oh no, am I not being genuine?   Am I censoring the ugly stuff?  Is my writing out of balance?!


I just went on a trip to the East Coast and my body’s whole routine got thrown off.  Jet-lag, seeping in, staying up till dawn, eating out, eating bagels, skipping meals, heat waves, and NO GYM (gasp!).  If you remember my last entry, I was burning out & needed space, but instead I got straight chaos and “fell of the wagon” a bit.  I came back feeling soo fat and icky and lethargic, and it took me a few days to get to the gym even though I knew I needed it more than anything.  I’ve been trying to figure out what to write about this without feeling like I’m making myself too vulnerable, and I realized I don’t have much of a desire to go into detail about the icky stuff.  In fact, I’m not so much into details at all.

But, you wanna know another secret?  One that I just got word of myself??  It’s OK. It’s alllll OK.  Show up how you want to show up, how you need to show up; do whatever makes you comfortable AND keeps you growing.  For me, this means learning to have boundaries.  I have to draw some boundaries or else I feel unsafe.  I do not find it comfortable to spill every detail about my life into this public forum, though I do desire opening up in order to free myself of shame and isolation.  It’s a tightrope walk (and I’m afraid of heights!).  I’m still discovering my own boundaries by observing my own behavior and my emotional reactions.

All I can say, really, is what I’ve been saying all along:  there is no one right answer.  There is no universal strategy that works for everyone or even for one person at all points in time.  This is true both for the physical act of losing weight and for all of the emotional stuff that goes with it.  The process itself is the strategy, and processes are MESSY. So no, I don’t have it all together.  In fact, I have made a giant gooey mess!  But I’m beginning to see that this is how it ought to be, and I just need to remember one thing: it’s OK.

❤ Diana Banana

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. July 12, 2010 7:41 pm

    Amen, girlie!! That’s all I can say. It’s all OK. Glad to see your voice out here again. It IS a giant gooey mess, but that’s life, right?

  2. July 14, 2010 7:40 pm

    yes — that is SO life!


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